Humor & Jokes from all over the World :)

[LadyWoreBlack]

Why are Redneck murders so hard to solve?
Because the DNA all matches and there's no dental records. 


Rednecks...........the bane of my existence, and the inspiration!!! 

[The Eagle Warrior]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

[Hammerfall]

During world war 2, it was difficult to get everything. And it was common that everything left behind was stolen.
A man sits in a bar haveing a beer when he´s got to go to the toilet. He´s affraid someone will steal his beer, so he writes a note saying " I´ve peed in my beer ". He goes to the toilet and come back. His glass is full now! And on the note was written " So did I "!!

The vicor had an appletree in the garden with some beautiful, tasteful apples on. Two boys climbs over the fence in the middle of the night and steals most of the apples. Vicor got mad next morning and wrote a banner saying " God see´s everything! " and put it up in the tree. Next morning he woke up and all apples were gone! And underneath was written
" But he NEVER tells!! "

Here come a naughty one.....just for the warning!
Two guys are on a mountain climb and settles down for the night way up the mountain. They get into their sleeping bags and turns the light out. After a while first man says: " Are you wanking?". Second man answers: " Yeah...but it´s really not working...can´t get it hard!". First man says: " Well...TRY YOUR OWN!! "

[Red43]

  great one that last one Hammer !! 

[Red43]

A very short one :

It's white and goes up a mountain....


An avalanche with home-sickness... 

 

[The Eagle Warrior]

This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."

[LadyWoreBlack]

Here come a naughty one.....just for the warning!
Two guys are on a mountain climb and settles down for the night way up the mountain. They get into their sleeping bags and turns the light out. After a while first man says: " Are you wanking?". Second man answers: " Yeah...but it´s really not working...can´t get it hard!". First man says: " Well...TRY YOUR OWN!! "

EWWWWWWWW!!! Still laughing about that one, Bjorn!! 

[The Eagle Warrior]

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

[Red43]

"The bathtub dementie or Alzheimer-disease test".

Me and my girlfriend visited my mom the other day at a nursing-home for old people as we ran into the managing director. Curious as I am, I asked him what the criteria are for people to get into his nursing-home.

Well, he said, we fill a bathtub with water and then the patient gets a teaspoon, a teacup and a normal bucket. After that we ask him/her to empty the bathtub.

Oh I get it, my grilfriend said, a normal person would take the bucket cos its bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup.

No, the man.dir.said, a normal person would pull the plug out of the tub... Would you like a bed at the window or in the middle ....

 

[The Eagle Warrior]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Muzz]

Oh that's a beauty, Eagle. I was ROFLing

[The Eagle Warrior]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[The Eagle Warrior]

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?


Throw him his amp.

[Hammerfall]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

GREAT 1 Eagle!ROFL here!

[Red43]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."