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Author Topic: Humor & Jokes from all over the World :)  (Read 15951 times)
Kailef
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« Reply #165 on: June 26, 2011, 02:13:59 pm »

Two blondes were hired as carpenters and building a house. They were standing high up on the scaffold at the gable. 1. blonde picks up a nail from her pocket, looks at it and throws it away. Picks up a new one and hammers it into the wood. Picks up a new one, looks at it and throws it away. This gones on for a while. 2. blonde asks: Why are you throwing some of the nails away? 1. blonde: If the pointy end is towards me, I can´t use it, if the pointy is towards the house I use it! 2. blonde thinks long and hard for a while, and then says: I don´t think you should throw them away, they are made for the other end of the house.

Okay, I usually don't like blonde jokes, but that was pretty funny right there.
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Jarrod Kailef
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« Reply #166 on: June 26, 2011, 09:17:59 pm »

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
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pack1fan4life
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« Reply #167 on: July 27, 2011, 07:43:50 pm »

A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated he made an amazing discovery Mr. Schwartz had the longest "man thing" he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge "man thing" like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's "man thing". He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. His wife screamed. "Oh my god!!! Schwartz is dead!!!"


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight but the guy is feeling horny. Feeling confident he leans his hand against the wall, and smiling he says to her "Darling would you give me a BJ?" Horrified she replies "Are you crazy my parents will see us!" He says "Come on baby nobody is gonna see us at this hour, everyone is asleep." She replies "No way, it's too risky." He begs one more time, tells her he really loves her but still she will not budge. Suddenly a light comes on downstairs and the girls sister shows up in her pajamas at the door, in a sleepy voice she says "Dad says go ahead and give him a BJ, or I can do it, or if need be, mom can do it, but for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom so we can all go back to sleep!"
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pack1fan4life
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« Reply #168 on: July 27, 2011, 07:53:31 pm »

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Green Bay Packers, 2010 World Champions
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pack1fan4life
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« Reply #169 on: July 29, 2011, 04:07:44 pm »

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole”. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

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Green Bay Packers, 2010 World Champions
Totino-Grace High School, Back-2-back  Football State Champions
Minnesota Twins, 2009 + 2010 AL Central Champs
Mir
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« Reply #170 on: August 05, 2011, 10:13:18 am »

What is the financial assistance of the European Union:
 
In a small Irish town the streets are deserted. Bad times have come. People
are long, but they live in a high rate. There is rainy weather.
A rich German tourist looking for accommodation. Car stopped in front of a small hotel in
the Irish city. He went inside. Accosted the owner of the hotel, or
he can see the rooms, because they want to spend the night and put on the counter 100
euro deposit. The hotel's owner so he gave him the keys to the rooms.
As soon as he disappeared on the steps of tourist hotelier took the 100 euro and ran
quickly to a neighbor butcher to pay his debts.
Butcher took the 100 euro and flew to the farmer to pay for delivery.
The farmer took the 100 euro note and went to pay their debts in magazine.
Warehouse of 100 euro banknote ran to the pub and paid their loans.
The bartender moved to sitting bill at the counter prostitute who also
had hard times, but fun for a loan he gave.
Prostitute quickly ran to the hotel to pay the 100 euros per rental peace.
Hotelier 100 euro banknotes put back on the counter. At this point,
exactly a tourist coming down the stairs. None of these rooms does not suit me
- He said and took his 100 euro note and left town.
Nobody produced.
Nobody earned.
All participants got rid of their debts and look with great optimism in the future.
Now we all know the truth. So simple functions AN EU SUPPORT FINANCIAL.



PS.
What  says bitch to the expert from computers after finite job ?
   - The virus database has been updated ...
 Grin Wink
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Guidrummist
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« Reply #171 on: August 07, 2011, 05:17:27 am »


« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 10:46:01 am by Guidrummist » Logged

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« Reply #172 on: August 08, 2011, 04:37:29 am »

lol that one made me laugh
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« Reply #173 on: August 08, 2011, 02:07:39 pm »

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" I despise a world which does not feel that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. ” ~ Ludwig van Beethoven
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